We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
