i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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