he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
