in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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