Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Damn victory sex feels great
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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