i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
