i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
