Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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