I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
