I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
