I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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