The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
