if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
