Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
