hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
