You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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