My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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