i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
