Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
