i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
