Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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