Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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