It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
