My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
