Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
