My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
