she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
