I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
