I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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