I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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