I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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