At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
