ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
