no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
