my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
