I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
