On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
