Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
