at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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