I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
