Porn is love you can see.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
