i think i have two assholes
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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