wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
