I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you made out with another girl for some wings
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
