2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
