Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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