I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
