and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
