Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
