someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
